twitchcraft galore

Ever since I started the synesthesia research and cataloging of my synesthetic experiences, I’ve begun paying closer attention to it all. What I’ve noticed is that, strangely, some things are not as I thought – and some things were present but I hadn’t even realized it.

A Quick Note on Changing Colors
Previously, I noted that my F was a light-ish blue and my K was yellow. Upon closer examination (namely, paying better attention to things), I’ve realized that my F is actually purple and my K is magenta/pink. I’m not sure why I had seen them otherwise previously, but I know that the purple and magenta are correct, and they have been my whole life. Strange.

Sensations As Colored Shapes
The other day I was talking with my friend about the band Nightwish. I was trying to explain to him why, for some reason, I don’t like the band’s music very much. On the surface, it seems like the music would be right up my alley. Orchestral, epic metal music with harmonic, operatic vocals. but for some reason it just gives me the heeby-jeebies. I’ve pretty much narrowed it down to the conclusion that its color/shape is just… wrong. The funny thing is that I reached this conclusion by noting the color/shape of a sensation I got from eating a certain food.

You know that spinach & artichoke dip with cream cheese and pine nuts and stuff in it? It’s tasty. But at the same time, it feels bad. This probably won’t make sense to nonsynesthetes, but basically when I eat that dip, it feels/tastes like a large white teardrop. This white teardrop is, for me, the epitome of uneasy. Anything at all that gives me the feeling of unease will undoubtedly resemble this white teardrop.

Nightwish? The music is usually a large white teardrop, only sitting on its side instead of upright like usual. It is outlined in a haze of pink, especially near the point. Pink is, for me, the epitome of pleasure. Anything that gives me a pleasurable sensation radiates in pink. So perhaps now you’re getting the picture. The epitome of unease tipped on its side, wrapped in a halo of pleasure. It’s just… uncomfortable. I NO LIKE!

What’s interesting is that even though I have been aware of synesthesia for a few years now, and have been actively cataloging my experiences, I still was not totally conscious of this part of it until yesterday. I’m going to start paying attention closer to the rest of my shapes!

I think one of the most beautiful things in the world is that poetic, passionate love for another person. The kind that leaves you breathless, exhaling your very essence so that it might envelop that person in everything good and warm and satisfying. The kind that leaves you tingling at just the thought of that person, their voice, their touch, their mind.

Yet here I sit, slightly numb, wondering if I have already exhausted my ability to love someone like this. At the moment, I am unsure that I will ever be able to give myself to someone with such reckless abandon again. Maybe that is a good thing, though. Maybe that is what I need to learn to balance; how much of myself to give to someone.

Though I have tried to guard myself, my heart, I find it exceedingly difficult. Even my astrologer, who is very adept at reading my chart, has told me: “Your astrology suggests that the protective structures and boundaries that normally envelop the emotions seem to be absent.” I wonder why this is, that I should be so wholly open to those around me. Vulnerable, beseeching, accepting without much skepticism.

……………………………………………………..

The chill of the air presses its soft lips against my skin, whispering its grievances straight through to my bones. I sit in a slight haze. Unmoving, mind lazily wandering through foggy fields of feelings and questions. My cat’s soft, sleepy breathing is barely noticeable in the darkness of the room.

My eyelids close, jaw tightened in a never-ending clench. My body longs for the warmth and company of another, but I know that if one were present, I would feel suffocated. The familiar electric shock sensation zings through the left side of my head. Fatigue overtakes me and I drift into sleep, my night filled with dreams of being close and comfortable with people I have uncertain feelings toward.

(Snippet of a conversation I had with a friend last night)

me: i mean seriously i HATE rocky road ice cream. :( it’s really ice cream that i don’t like chunks of chocolate in. bleh.

Friend: I don’t even eat that ABOMINATION of an ice cream flavor
(lol jk somewhat I think it’s relatively ok)
ABOMINATION

me: lmao
abomination, i won’t disagree!
i mean, it’s largely composed of things that are NOT ICE CREAM
wtf kind of bullshit is that?

Friend: HERESY
THE GREATEST JUSTICE WE CAN BRING THEM
THE MAKERS OF IT
IS FEED THEM THEIR OWN POISON

me: YES!
i am totally down for embarking on this quest!

Friend: AND WE SHALL LAUGH AND REVEL IN THEIR CRIES OF “wow ok this flavor really isn’t that good actually”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: lmfaooooo

Friend: BWAHAHAHAHA

me: i think by the time i’m done with them, their teeth will be weeping and their throats will be writhing in the PAIN OF THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.

Friend: NEVER AGAIN SHALL THEY COMMIT SUCH A SIN

me: and never again shall they ever want to THINK about a fucking marshmallow