slightly relevant

I have always been one who likes to finish what I start. I have also been known to think I can handle more than I really can, and take on too many responsibilities. I wish to persevere where others think that I will surely fail. I prefer to succeed in the face of adversity. I do not like to see my hard work go down in vain.

For the past six months, I have pretty much had the worst time of my life. I have been to hell and back. I have been an emotional and psychological basket case. I have gone from wanting to kill myself, to fearing that I was about to die, to gathering enough determination and will power to turn my health around. I have lost fifty pounds. My blood pressure is down and my heart is so much healthier now; irregular heartbeat barely making an appearance anymore. I have beaten Candida and gluten intolerance and have learned how to care for my body. I have left my husband of six years so that I could become healthy and sane again. I have worked as hard as I can at my job. I went to night school and managed to keep my grade point average at a lovely 4.0.

I also took on leadership of a high-end raiding guild in World of Warcraft. To a reader who has no idea what it is like to play a Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game, well, I can’t explain it to you. All I can say is that running a guild like ours takes a LOT of time, dedication, and hard work. Our guild has been like a family to me for a year now. When our two leaders had to call it quits, our guild was on the verge of dying off. Luckily there were a few of us who refused to let that happen. I, along with two other leaders, and four other officers, helped to keep our guild alive. We persevered. We stayed alive. We have made a tremendous amount of growth and progress, when everybody was just waiting to watch us die. We are so close to “beating the game” and yet somehow we seem cursed. Stuck in a rut and we can’t seem to get out.

For four months we have worked so hard. We have dedicated so much of our time, attention, and energy to making this work. We have been hit with every obstacle possible. We have suffered setback after setback. We have endured so much opposition and ridicule. We have stuck it out and we have given our best, even when it seemed pretty dismal. This past week was my final trial to see if I could tough it out and continue raiding until we beat Illidan. It’s over. I can’t do it anymore. I feel like a failure and I do not want to see my guild die. My guild that I helped to keep alive. My friends that I have been through so much with.

(To those of you who are sitting here thinking “it’s just a game” - I understand your point of view. But you don’t understand mine, and that’s okay. It is “just a game” but it is also so much more than that. It was a second job for me. These people were a second family to me. It was a labor of love, and where I spent a lot of my time.)

People have told me I am crazy for taking this on when I already had so much going on in my life. I am not sure why I thought that I could handle any more stress or responsibility, but I did, and I took it on. I wore the badge with pride. I worked my ass off for every bit of accomplishment I have gained these past six months. It has been the hardest time of my entire life. I could not have done it all without the help of two people in particular. One who has finally dropped off the last bit of paperwork in my inbox and stopped calling me. The other who has kept me sane and made me crazy at the same time.

I am afraid now that it is time for me to say goodbye. To all of them. To my best friend in the whole world.

I may be crazy, but I am dedicated. Now I have nothing left to give. I have no more energy to expend. I have nothing else to contribute. Nothing that anybody wants, anyway.

J’ai renoncé à…

This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 8:30 pm and is filed under Gamer Nerdage, "I Have Issues". You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.