twitchcraft galore

I think one of the most beautiful things in the world is that poetic, passionate love for another person. The kind that leaves you breathless, exhaling your very essence so that it might envelop that person in everything good and warm and satisfying. The kind that leaves you tingling at just the thought of that person, their voice, their touch, their mind.

Yet here I sit, slightly numb, wondering if I have already exhausted my ability to love someone like this. At the moment, I am unsure that I will ever be able to give myself to someone with such reckless abandon again. Maybe that is a good thing, though. Maybe that is what I need to learn to balance; how much of myself to give to someone.

Though I have tried to guard myself, my heart, I find it exceedingly difficult. Even my astrologer, who is very adept at reading my chart, has told me: “Your astrology suggests that the protective structures and boundaries that normally envelop the emotions seem to be absent.” I wonder why this is, that I should be so wholly open to those around me. Vulnerable, beseeching, accepting without much skepticism.

……………………………………………………..

The chill of the air presses its soft lips against my skin, whispering its grievances straight through to my bones. I sit in a slight haze. Unmoving, mind lazily wandering through foggy fields of feelings and questions. My cat’s soft, sleepy breathing is barely noticeable in the darkness of the room.

My eyelids close, jaw tightened in a never-ending clench. My body longs for the warmth and company of another, but I know that if one were present, I would feel suffocated. The familiar electric shock sensation zings through the left side of my head. Fatigue overtakes me and I drift into sleep, my night filled with dreams of being close and comfortable with people I have uncertain feelings toward.