slightly relevant

…are just way too needy. It tends to wear on a person after a while, you know? It’s not as if I am not a giving, caring individual. But there is only so much I am able to offer, and only so much I am able to withstand.

Why do people have to want something from me? Perhaps I should feel flattered that anyone at all would demand my attention or affection. Perhaps I am nothing but a selfish girl, destined to disappoint those around me. Perhaps I burden myself with unnecessary obligation to please those with whom I come in contact.

I am really quite tired. It is becoming more and more apparent that I prefer, and in fact desire, a great amount of solitude. I generally do not enjoy going out in public, unless I am alone. I very much dislike visitors, especially when they show up unannounced. I am so very pleased with my home; it effectively shuts out the world. I hear no one. I see no one. I do not exist to anyone outside this room. That is comforting.

It has come to my attention pretty forcefully that I am quite averse to actually speaking out loud. I think maybe I prefer to sit comfortably within my own thoughts. Maybe it takes too much effort to push the words out of my mouth. Maybe I’ve grown tired of the sound of my own voice. Maybe I just dislike speaking idle words. Words are powerful, you know. Quite magical (according to Merricat Blackwood, anyhow). Speaking them aloud… it brings them to life. It makes them real. That is something that should require caution and care. Don’t you think?

I want to be a mermaid. Perhaps then I could be alone, at home, with the blue and green of the ocean.

I like to think that I am pretty good with words. But that may just be some delusion I am living under. Because it seems impossible for me to explain myself to anyone, in any given situation, and have them actually understand my point of view. Am I that abstract? Am I just ridiculous? Or am I just terrible at expressing myself?

As I was driving home from Louisiana today, I was text messaging back and forth with my friend. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: how long is the drive?
Kelley: like 4.5 hours
Friend: no thank you lol
Kelley: at least i have swamps to look at!
Friend: screw that, swamps are hella ugly
Kelley: at least they’re interesting!
Friend: but they’re sooooo ugly
Kelley: that’s what makes them intriguing! jeez! besides, ugly isn’t always bad. but i don’t find swamps ugly anyway.
Friend: okay maybe ugly is okay 1% of the time, and pretty is okay 99% of the time
Kelley: …

I had a similar conversation with him on the drive to Louisiana a few days ago:

Kelley: did I tell you I’m gonna get dreads?
Friend: don’t do it
Kelley: why not?
Friend: they’re ugly and too nappy
Kelley: my hair is nappy already anyway
Friend: but dreads are hella ugly
Kelley: I like the way they look. besides, I enjoy being uncomfortable to look at.
Friend: you don’t enjoy guys complimenting you and thinking you’re pretty etc?
Kelley: Pretty is boring. I’d rather be interesting than hot.
(continue conversation like this for a while)
Friend: all i’m saying is you’re gonna have a hard time getting laid if you have dreads
Kelley: as if I’m only looking to get laid, and by someone who cares whether or not I have my hair in dreads!
Friend: it’s gonna be a lot harder to find a guy, all i’m saying…
Kelley: well then I will enjoy the challenge. if i can find a guy i like, who likes me with dreads, then i win. not like i’m looking for anyone right now anyway.
Friend: yeah but you never know, love can turn up unexpectedly.
Kelley: and if that happens, this unexpected love will like me with dreads.
Friend: actually i was thinking i would feel sorry for the dude if you had dreads when he met you
Kelley sigh…

Why does everyone want everything to be pretty, and comfortable to look at all the time? Am I the only one that doesn’t enjoy looking at pretty, comfortable things all the time? I want something that holds my attention because it is mysterious, jarring, grotesque, uncomfortable, ugly (I don’t mean stupid gory shit like car wrecks and stuff). I would rather look at someone or something that holds my interest for a reason that may not be clearly definable or obvious. Pretty people and pretty things are nice, but that only makes me appreciate the abnormal and extraordinary even more.

Monday morning I need to be in Baton Rouge bright and early. This means that I need to drive there on Sunday and spend the night, because I am not waking up at 2 am to drive there on Monday. The plan was for me to rent a car to travel in, so as to save wear and tear on my car, plus this way I can pay for the gas with my company credit card (if I take my own car, I pay for everything and then charge the company mileage). Well, wouldn’t you know that ALL OF THE CAR RENTAL PLACES IN THE ENTIRE CITY ARE CLOSED ON THE WEEKENDS! What the FUCK? I mean, seriously, don’t they realize how much more business they could get if they were open seven days a week? This is ridiculous. Now there is no possible way I can get a rental car, which means I’ll be taking my own car. Which means I’ll be spending whatever is left in my bank account on gasoline, and won’t be reimbursed until a week from Monday. This is beyond frustrating. I want to cry.